Truth is more important than all the rest.
Occasionally my little guy and I get to just do the mom and son thing. You know those uninterrupted moments where it is just the two of us again. And questions, hard questions, pop up now as he grows. An answer from me is required. I choose to answer hard questions.
Hard things in life were always hidden from me when younger and it was all “follow your heart” dreams. I see myself as somewhat of that evil queen at times that used to be that frail princess that no one came for. No one was saved. Life choices and life happenings formed the queen from the naïve princess. And honestly, I would not trade one minute of it because I prefer to pay the price for truth than to hide hoping someone else will deliver truth.
So here are some answers…
These days life runs fast. We are onto the next stage. In the beginning of the dark, when you and I went from three to two. It was just us. Just the silence, and the long nights, and the quiet exclusivity to life closed in. The answers of, “I can’t help”, “I’m too busy”, the “you live too far away”; you know, all those regular excuses from people. Reality.
Then…
Then there was the rush of change where the two of us moved. The two of us decided to move on from the three of us because sometimes things break. People stop trying. People move on and leave you and reality sets in that three goes to two. People made mistakes or lied or just flat out weakened under pressures and expectations.
Then…
Then there was the reality check that within a few short months the third person had moved on to make another duo. The sting when you found out little guy via the gossip chain and got your first taste of how this world deals blows. You had to cry and had to try and understand a situation that only your mom was to blame for from the summer of 2004. Those youthful head-strong moments and one decision that changed the arc for more than just me.
Then…
Then comes forgiveness but not forgetfulness. Then comes opening doors to live what you preach. Your mama was tested and tried, but truly I was being forced to live open-handedly. I was being molded into a person that needed to let go and let God. It is what it is. Sin has consequences and I had to finally drink the bitter cup. The one that proves none of us gets out of bad decisions without fire. The cup that brings wrath and emotion and wrestling and screaming with choices at the foot of the cross with God.
Then…
Came the squeeze on my adulthood as parents constricted back in. Or at least one did as the support system to help since mama had to become two people. Mama had to be a provider and mama had to be homemaker. Single parenthood for those that do it is not glorious nor is it easy. The matriarch stepped in and filled in where mama failed. Mama knew the price that would come with relinquishing some of these duties. Mama saw the writing on the wall of how it would deal a blow to her later in life when more crossroads came, but she let go, and let God because mama cared more for your outcome then her pride.
Then…
Then our two had to think about becoming three again. We had to risk it all to see the other side again. Mama let you be part of the decision this time since you had no decision up until now. Mama started handing life over to you in small portions so that you could learn that life is not easy, nor is it insulated. Life choices made will speak into legacies later. Our two went to three again and we slowly learned, all of us together. For the sake of three mama burned bridges and cut ropes. Mama made hard decisions to protect the three. Mama had lots of cleaning up to do to make sure that these three would be healthy.
Then…
We took flight! We ran hard at new life. We made decisions. We moved. We started over and we made choices together. Mama knocked on every door until one opened. She stood in the rain of insults and naysayers. She pushed hard and then gave all three of us options to look at life differently. So, we closed our eyes and jumped together.
Now…
Now comes the burn. Now comes the questions. Now comes the consequence mom pushed into corners for so long. You want to know why all the before must be part of your story. You want to think of what ifs. You want to think that mama could have fixed it, and you want to know who is wrong. Honestly, mama was wrong from day one and in false pride and societal pressures and bad theology from wrong teachers; mama made one bad decision that changed the arc you were going to be on before you were spoken into existence. Because you were spoken before the stars were formed so mama had no choice other than how you got here, but you were getting here that is the beauty in the divinity of God.
Now…
Now comes the lash out and bite back. Now comes the payback for changing so many people’s paths. Now comes answering hard questions and shouldering silent looks and subtle cues from so many that were close or still are close. Now comes the pointed fingers and the tantrums and the fight back moments where mama will admit wrong, but mama will not be a silent “yes sir” person anymore. Now comes the hard life truths that sometimes your biggest fans are your biggest critics and feel like now they can scream judgement. Truly, they are angered by their own cowardice that you have no problem stepping into the light and allowing the world to see brokenness. Because your brokenness is a part of their story, and they are not ready to admit that truth.
Now comes the burn.
Now comes the fight.
Now comes the bridges that are the closest that need to burn to purify.
Now comes the moment I admit my wrong and make changes.
Now comes the time I will hold lines and be more rebellious.
Now comes the cut that will hurt the most and cut the deepest.
Now comes the reality that things were never as they seemed.
Now comes truths hidden.
Now comes adulting.
And soon…
And soon I hope to rectify generational hurts and wounds. I hope that you get a full and true story each moment that you ask for it to not perpetuate wrong theology and wrong growing. Biblical parenting is not one of creating the perfect child or the perfect environment, but one of teaching a child openly that mama still makes mistakes. But one mistake I promise will not be treating you like you were not born with the knowledge of more. Mama is willing to hear the hard to purify the three. Mama is willing to accept the new set of consequences for a choice that starts a new arc.
Soon…
Soon you will have more answers the more you ask and the more you want to know. Soon the road will be made open for your choice because quite frankly you were never mine. You were charged to me, but mama never really “owned” you. You never really needed mama; mama needed you to see how mama needed to break things even if those things were deemed “right” and “proper” and “family” for so long.
Trust me, our three is strong enough to withstand your choices, just as our three came to fruition with your mama’s broken choices. Mama will let you see life fully and not color in rose for you. Mama wants you to know what life is so that you know where you are headed and that this is not home. Mama wants you to make your own judgements on people and life because your interaction is not mama’s interaction. Your soul is yours; not mine.
Generational breaking is hard and sometimes it is not glorious and not the “most” holy and many will judge my decisions long after I am gone. So be it. Mama is ready for the refiner’s fire to purify my soul. And in standing in the fire, I hope to show you fire is good. Fire is necessary and do not shy away from choices or speaking words you need to just to save face or to save feelings. Truth is more important than all the rest.
There will always be light after your darkest hour.
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